Bring on the Potential Killers: A Season 7 Parody
by foggi
Summary: parody of season seven eps 10-13!!! Please R+R!!!
1. She hates him Possibly

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"Bring on the Potential Killers" A Season Seven Parody

Author: foggi (L@spookysand.com)

Feedback: Please.

Archive: Put it wherever you like, just email me first. I just want to know where it is!

Summary: A parody based on spoilers/viewings for 7.10-7.14, **_DOES CONTAIN SPOILERS!_**

Notes: Written by a Spuffy shipper, and a huge Spike fan. I don't know if that comes through so much in the fic, but I just wanted to warn you in case you really hate fics with that theme.

Disclaimer: Everything is Joss, ME, and sadly Marti's. 

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Giles enters Buffy's bedroom with a somber look on his face. He touches NOTHING!!!! Buffy is standing by her bed looking very empowered and bloody. 

BUFFY: Arrrrgh! I am so freaking powerful!  


GILES: Buffy, you need to help the new slayers prepare for this...battle. 

BUFFY: What? Can't you do that? I am busy being powerful. 

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Giles sighs, and walks over to Buffy's dresser...he touches NOTHING. Until he trips and smashes into the lamp by the dresser. So much for that *plot twist.*

GILES: Bloody hell. 

BUFFY: Hey! Is that a scar on you head, Giles? 

GILES: No. 

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Buffy looks at Giles suspiciously. Then shrugs her shoulders.

BUFFY: Okay!

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Anya and Dawn sit in a corner...they look very hot...which means they must be evil. All the beautiful people on this show are evil. Speaking of which...

BUFFY: We need to find Spike! Not because I have any feelings for him or because I believe in him at all, but because we need his muscle!!!

DAWN: Isn't he going to be too beaten up by the First to really help?

ANYA: Yeah, you can't really think that he'd be too much help to us, Buffy.

BUFFY: Well-

XANDER: We really don't need to find Spike at all. 

BUFFY: I-

GILES: No, I don't think he's really necessary, I mean the last thing we need is Buffy finding any sort of relationship with anyone. Her romantic happiness is out of the question.

WILLOW: Why? That doesn't make any-

GILES: Because I think it therefore-

BUFFY: Giles is right! We don't need Spike. We'll just let him get beaten up for a little while longer...

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Buffy sits in the corner, she's painting a portrait of Spike, not that she is at all concerned about him...she only thinks he is hot. 

GILES: Buffy, obviously when I left you still didn't learn that You couldn't lean on me for-

BUFFY: Giles, can you make me a sandwich...and can you pick up Dawn from school...Oh, and let Xander hit on you all day, I don't have time for it right now...

GILES: Buffy, you need to train the new slayers. 

BUFFY: (_thinks about this for a moment)_ OH! I know! We need Spike for this! 

XANDER: Pardon? No, he'll only try to rape them. 

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Marti Noxon does the snoopy dance in honor of her sole contribution to the script.

BUFFY: No, this is a good reason to save them. Um, he's the only one _strong enough!_

GILES: Well, if you are only going to keep whining about it...I suppose you can go and save him. 

BUFFY: Okay!... And hey junior slayers who aren't my kid sister! I have an empowering speech to give before I leave! Listen: From now on, we are going to seek out our greatest fears! We're better than everyone! We are the biggest big bad, and they have no idea what's coming! I'm beyond tired, I am beyond scared! Which may not sound convincing the thousandth time you hear it...but anyways, right now I am going to go get the sex god because he's evil and I'll never love him!

MOLLY THE SLAYER IN TRAINING WITH THE HORRID ACCENT: Then why are you going to save him?

BUFFY: Um, plot twist! 

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TBC


	2. I'll Never Tell

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Bring on the Potential Killers, Part 2

author: foggi (L@spookysand.com)

warnings: there are spoilers for upcoming episode in this through episode 14 as far as I know

pairing: Spuffy

disclaimer: not mine. ME's. Joss'. 

thanks to: the people who take time to review these, you make me all happy.

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Buffy walks into the cave where Spike is being held by the Fake!Drusilla. And Ubervamp attacks her. She keeps right on walking...it doesn't matter that this is the thing that nearly killed her yesterday, today she is fueled by her passionate...hatred...of Spike. She must save him, because if he dies, who will she beat up for fun?

BUFFY: Where's my *hot ex-boyfriend*? 

FANS: Since when have you been calling him your ex?

BUFFY: Since Joss came and ret conned the world.

FANS: But you said that you'd never-

BUFFY: Shut up!

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Giles and Anya are sitting in an oracle's lair, waiting to get information on the First. 

GILES: So...are you still a vengeance demon?

ANYA: No, well...maybe, that was never clear. 

GILES: Well, just so long as you don't kill anything. Of course, even if you did kill people...we'd all forgive you. After all, it isn't like you are Spike. 

ANYA: I don't see why Buffy trusts Spike enough to go save him. When it was *all about me* she was a total bitch.

GILES: Buffy is only clouded by that passionate...hatred...that she feels so Spike. By my count, the one way to know f Buffy truly loves you is if she *actually* kills you. Look at Angel...she killed him and she'll "never love anyone as much."

"Full of Grace" starts playing the background and Giles and Anya become teary-eyed thinking about everyone's favorite vampire who they haven't seen or heard from in over a year...ah, memories.

ORACLE: I have discovered the prophecy. 

GILES: Well, please tell it to us now...if we're here in this hot, enclosed space any longer, I'll have to kiss Anya again...

ANYA: Ew, you're like my father! 

GILES: Completely.

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Even while saying this, Giles and Anya look at each other with lust in their eyes. Oh well, by this show's definition, when the characters yell at each other instead of forming an actual loving relationship, it usually means that they are destined. But that's just something from Marti's past...

ORACLE: The slayer must fall in love with a hot vampire named-

GILES: ANGEL!

ORACLE: No, Spike...Angel left. A long, long time ago.

GILES and ANYA: Hmph. 

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Not that Giles and Anya like, or even really know Angel very well. It's only their fear that Buffy could find actual happiness with someone like Spike that keeps them clinging to someone else's high school relationship.

ORACLE: The Slayer and Spike are meant to be together. They must combine their forces in order to save the world.

GILES: Hm, well, thank you very much. But I don't think we need to tell Buffy.

ORACLE: Yes you do.

GILES: Oh, screw saving the world! Spike is not to be trusted! I don't care how many times he's risked his life for us, or how many souls he sought out...he is not to come near my daughter...er, Buffy! 


	3. Cardboard men are HOT

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Bring on the Potential Killers 

Okay, so I was going to go through this all in order...but really the new spoilers that have just come out are making me so angry. So I decided to start on them right away! This installment has spoilers for Season Seven, eps. 13-16. Enjoy, and try not to throw up on your keyboard...

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Spike is chained in the Summer's basement. Buffy sits next to him, writing a new, bossy speech for the SITs. Spike screams in pain...Buffy rips his shirt off and we get a shot of his bare chest before the dialogue begins, lest we lose ALL the Spike fans. 

BUFFY: (Puppy dog eyes) Spike, what's wrong? 

SPIKE: Ow. It's this sodding chip in my head. 

BUFFY: Oh! I'll call Riley!!! (Big Smile) It's been far too long since I heard his sexy voice that I never really seemed to care about until we needed another reason to keep you and I apart!!!

SPIKE: Great, pet. 

BUFFY: It seems the best way to portray my emotional maturity is to have me constantly referring to the men who left me years ago! 

SPIKE: Okay.

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Buffy runs upstairs to call Riley, practically fainting from the sheer coolness that is commando-vamp-ho-cheater! A moment later, she is back in the basement with Spike. 

BUFFY: Mmmkay. We need to go back to the initiative caves to possibly remove your chip. 

SPIKE: Do you really think that's a good idea?

BUFFY: Well, I've decided to trust you for the next two episodes...after that, I may want you to kill all the little brats upstairs! But at least I won't just be using you for sex! Now you can also be my personal attack dog. 

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Spike groans, but gives in because we have to remove his spine at moments to make Buffy look *empowered*. 

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In the initiative caves. Spike and Buffy discuss the chip.

SPIKE: Yeah, the chip.

BUFFY: Remember when they put the chip in your head, and then you got on all those drugs?

SPIKE: No.

BUFFY: Yes, you do remember that. 

SPIKE: I really don't.

BUFFY: Spike, sometimes I think you have memory problems, I mean there was that whole thing with the doctor and those eggs last year-

SPIKE: I really did not do that-

BUFFY: I guess it doesn't really matter, so long as you look like crap compared to me! No one will notice!!! 

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At the Summers house, the rest of the Scoobies stand in a circle around Giles, who is knitting a pair of socks. 

ANYA: Do you think he can touch things? I mean, he did smack me the other day, but...

XANDER: I don't know...gosh, this is dramatic. 

DAWN: I need glasses to be able to tell if he's the First Evil!!! Wouldn't it be terrible if something happened to GILES! (Dawn weeps)

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Meanwhile, Giles has shoved Xander out of the way so that he can go make a sandwich in the kitchen. The dramatic music rises as the gang further discusses the *plot twist*!!!!

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Buffy stand with the Initiative boys. She now has to make the most important decision of her life:

BUFFY: Umm, I guess just, like, remove it. 

COMMANDO 1: Are you sure we shouldn't ask him? 

BUFFY: Yeah, I can so decide for him. I OWN him, after all.

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	4. What the?

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Bring on the Potential Killers, again

remember, spoilers are in this thang....7.13-16

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I have decided to skip over ep 7.14 at least for now, because I would like to think that there is one episode in the upcoming few that won't make me want to jump out the window...so this starts with 15. 

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Marti Noxon holds a noose. Chole hangs from it. She's WEAK and PATHETIC. Marti smiles...and we begin a descent into a new level of wrongness. It only gets worse, kiddies...

WILLOW: Wow, that's sad that she's dead. Kennedy!!! Let's go make out!!

KENNEDY: Yeah, death is sad. Time for some kissage *Will*. 

SPIKE: It's just awful. Poor thing, guess the pressure is pretty bad. 

BUFFY: What are you taking about!?! Chole is WEAK and PATHETIC for killing herself under extreme pressure. I want you all to start being evil to make this better!!!

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A confused pause....which is simply ignored because SUDDENLY the writers realize that the fans are starting to think that Buffy is a heartless bitch again. A Sarah McLaughlin song comes on, and we get a montage in slow motion of everyone in the room looking very sad about Chole, even though they aren't. A close up of each character weeping, and ending with another slow motion attempted rape flashback. Just for fun. 

BUFFY: Enough of that! Spike, I need you to be eeeevil again. I am running out of excuses to hate you, and I really think that *Robin* and I have something great, even though it makes no sense to suddenly have me fall for him. But its a great way for me to never face any of the bad parts of myself...the fans will LOVE this! 

SPIKE: Buffy, I really just don't enjoy killing things anymore...Even though I just killed a demon last week, I suddenly have had a complete...*change of character*...

BUFFY: Well, though cookies, I want you to be evil! I may believe in you, but...I want you to screw up all the good things that were going on between us so that you get blamed for messing up the relationship again, even though I am the one who has no clue how to care about anyone but Dawn and Xander and Willow!!! And maybe Kennedy now!!!

SPIKE: *Sigh*

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Spike is fighting a demon, as is Buffy. Woohoo.

SPIKE: I don't know why--

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smack.

SPIKE: I am smiling---

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slam.

SPIKE: right now.

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squish.

SPIKE: I haven't done this in years, and have shown no indication of it. 

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With no free will of his own, Spike lights a cigarette in the *thrill* of his kill. Buffy, who has also killed a demon, lights one up too. Because if Spike starts smoking again, why the hell can't Buffy?


End file.
